If it is one thing I hate, it is being proven wrong. Apparently, everything that I am is proving wrong, and the next person to tell me I am smart, or intelligent, will never know what hit them. I have no interest in being lied to, and it is detrimental to my health to lose my temper so often. Or so they say.
I hate being mocked, and if I am lied to, I am being mocked, so think twice. It is so pathetic to sit every day and watch everyone leaving you behind. There is very little sense in "resting while I can" when that rest is riddled with self deprecating thoughts and suicidal tendencies. There is only so much a person can handle, and after years and years of bearing down on disappointments and all the dreams that ever were, you just find it very tempting to test how little effort it takes to throw yourself in front of a speeding train. I don't trust buses.
I hate being the butt end of The Creator's Jokes, and I hate it even more when he keeps me alive every day, in good health, only to mentally torture me, with those so called "tests" of his. They are supposed to make me stronger, are they? I am a believer in God and all things Great, but honestly, yeah, this is a Great Joke. I'm just not laughing.
In what way did I wrong anyone so much that I am being so driven to insanity. It takes just one look at the pity or charity people show toward you, something you cannot miss, mind you, to take one more step towards finding the perfect way to off yourself. When you know the blame does not lie with you, or as I would like to believe, it takes so much of patience to bear the hurt and the regret you feel when one more non-productive day goes on by, and you are still as useless as ever.
I swear, by the Creator himself, if I am rejected in one more interview, I can safely throw myself from a high cliff, or get hired as a maid, because, obviously, "It is not my fault, it's just luck, you see" and I say, go to hell. I'm just a waste of a lot of space, I should think.
As screwed up as this seems, I feel like a complete incompetent imbecilic idiotic insufferable ticked-off moron. I have no freaking clue what is wrong, and frankly at this point of time, it is moot point, because even a retarded high school drop out can find a better job than me. How does that feel? You have no freaking clue.
I want to believe it when people tell me, something better is around the corner, but after months of being turned down at every bloody company's interview, you run out of "something better" to be waiting around the corner. And to top it all, I can't even freaking cook, to live out the rest of my days indebted to some one who felt pity on me to pay off my loans for me. Talk about mental health, I'll stop at mental.
Everyone is a smart-ass about it, as if they went through it personally and then lived to tell the tale. Did you feel so pathetic as well? Did you wake up every morning and wonder why you did? Did you look at your bank balance and just forgo that thing you wanted to buy, but now you just can't? Have you tried to smile when you really feel like slitting your wrists so you could just go numb? Have you ever felt like taking a ticket to nowhere and find a job earning 6 bucks an hour just so that you could feel more among what you are truly worth? Have you ever felt the Need to die??
There are so many things threatening to break right now, and one of them is just my barrier of self reserve, that last thread between sanity and the insane need to laugh hysterically and blow my head off. There are no more words to show exactly how screwed up my life is. You know you are freaking useless when even the god damn kid rummaging through garbage seems more happy than you are right now.
Frustrated? If you didn't get the point by now, you have it all. Ignorance.
