Draco, Sweet Draco..

My Attempt at Art -- Comments welcome (please keep them clean, though! )

To be or not to be.. Incomplete

It has been a busy couple of weeks, what, with all the work that I have to do, the subjects I have to study, and the exams that I have to pass, all so that I can have a decent job to go by. It's not that I mind, it's just that I HATE having to do something as distasteful as having to resort to "help" from others to get the job. It just so seems like proof in stone that the extent of my intelligence is highly over-rated and it leads me along that line of thoughts that I am not worth that little piece of paper that commend my so called achievements in getting another degree. Mediocrity, however, is not shown by that generic format of the certificate, small mercy.

I have been in touch with more people in the last fortnight, than I have in the last few months, yet I have never felt so alone as I have right now. No, No, it's not that romantic crap, thank Jebus. I just mean in general. People are moving on, getting gainful employment, getting married, starting a new life, and yet, it feels strangely as if I am stuck in a moment and I can't get out of it.

It's not I am brooding and stalking around like a giant bat or vampire, snapping at everyone or some such. I'm not doing the classic Snape, but it doesn't change the hollow feeling I have, as if I am missing something. I would have shrugged it off as a "I want my chocolate" phase of life except that it's been there far too long than healthy, I imagine. I don't know how many more are experiencing the same turn of events, but I'm sure I'm not the only one rocking this boat.

What do you do when you start feeling this way? Incomplete, Incompetent, and so many other words I can spell with an 'I'?

Perhaps it will go away? Or maybe we'll become numb to it. How do you complete yourself? Oh and before you say "find your better half," I'll say go stuff it. It's not THAT kind of incompleteness, so there.

Right now, I probably look like a giant bat in a corner. But hey, all the better, people may leave me to my thoughts.

It's been a very long time since I felt any semblance of normalcy. So long, that I may as well have forgotten how to feel that way again. Then again, normalcy is probably overrated. Every day is a haze, just a routine to-do list. There is no feeling, not even when I a learning something new, which is always the best way to get me all high and happy. For all the love I profess for learning, this is probably wierd. Learning, being surrounded by books, and just stocking the mental pantry is just my thing. I thoroughly enjoy being geeky. Yes, completely batty, I assure you. Yet, it is what defines me. Rarely do you find me not exercising the mental muscle (Don't even go to the part of the physical exercise). Surrounded by walls of books, always thinking of new ways of doing things, and all that jazz.

Don't get me wrong. I am far from brilliant, I just love to learn, and my ability to learn is inversely proportional to my ability to retain things, and it's not the learning that is the thin end of the wand, certainly. If I could retain all that I learned, you have no idea what the outcome of that would be. There are so many things I wish to be better, my memory is on the top of the list, but there may be a bright side to forgetfulness. There are so many things that I would gladly forget and probably have, and that is a good thing.

Just the same, I am in the state of mind when every song of longing, separation, and happy endings leaves me in a fit of self loathing. Oh how I wish, I was one of them, all those people who look so happy, all of them who are in such wonderful places of employment, and have so much more than me. I just want so much more than this. And it's not that I am unwilling to work, mind you. I probably will do what needs to be done with a passion rivaled by none other, if and only if I am motivated to do it. Therein lies the problem, the motivation is just not there, there is no spark, no urge, no desire, no passion, no drive. There is nothing.

I probably shall run mad if this continues. I have dallied in the arts, the sciences of the mind, philosophy, history, music, literature, sports, and have found that once I know I can do whatever I please, the need to dally in them goes away. I want a lot, I have need for little. How do I build this? The things that deal with a lot of thought such as philosophy, and psychology are those that excite me most. In fact, I love messing with people's minds. I know, sadistic, but that's me. I love to pick brains, I love to watch people squirm when I try to figure them out and, more often than not, succeed.

Merlin, there are a lot of "I's" in this, aren't there? But what do you expect when my thoughts are being relayed to you by me? Smirk.

Mornings, noons, nights, time is of consequence and yet it is not. Twisted, but true.

Remember me...

If it is one thing I hate, it is being proven wrong. Apparently, everything that I am is proving wrong, and the next person to tell me I am smart, or intelligent, will never know what hit them. I have no interest in being lied to, and it is detrimental to my health to lose my temper so often. Or so they say.

I hate being mocked, and if I am lied to, I am being mocked, so think twice. It is so pathetic to sit every day and watch everyone leaving you behind. There is very little sense in "resting while I can" when that rest is riddled with self deprecating thoughts and suicidal tendencies. There is only so much a person can handle, and after years and years of bearing down on disappointments and all the dreams that ever were, you just find it very tempting to test how little effort it takes to throw yourself in front of a speeding train. I don't trust buses.

I hate being the butt end of The Creator's Jokes, and I hate it even more when he keeps me alive every day, in good health, only to mentally torture me, with those so called "tests" of his. They are supposed to make me stronger, are they? I am a believer in God and all things Great, but honestly, yeah, this is a Great Joke. I'm just not laughing.

In what way did I wrong anyone so much that I am being so driven to insanity. It takes just one look at the pity or charity people show toward you, something you cannot miss, mind you, to take one more step towards finding the perfect way to off yourself. When you know the blame does not lie with you, or as I would like to believe, it takes so much of patience to bear the hurt and the regret you feel when one more non-productive day goes on by, and you are still as useless as ever.

I swear, by the Creator himself, if I am rejected in one more interview, I can safely throw myself from a high cliff, or get hired as a maid, because, obviously, "It is not my fault, it's just luck, you see" and I say, go to hell. I'm just a waste of a lot of space, I should think.

As screwed up as this seems, I feel like a complete incompetent imbecilic idiotic insufferable ticked-off moron. I have no freaking clue what is wrong, and frankly at this point of time, it is moot point, because even a retarded high school drop out can find a better job than me. How does that feel? You have no freaking clue.

I want to believe it when people tell me, something better is around the corner, but after months of being turned down at every bloody company's interview, you run out of "something better" to be waiting around the corner. And to top it all, I can't even freaking cook, to live out the rest of my days indebted to some one who felt pity on me to pay off my loans for me. Talk about mental health, I'll stop at mental.

Everyone is a smart-ass about it, as if they went through it personally and then lived to tell the tale. Did you feel so pathetic as well? Did you wake up every morning and wonder why you did? Did you look at your bank balance and just forgo that thing you wanted to buy, but now you just can't? Have you tried to smile when you really feel like slitting your wrists so you could just go numb? Have you ever felt like taking a ticket to nowhere and find a job earning 6 bucks an hour just so that you could feel more among what you are truly worth? Have you ever felt the Need to die??

There are so many things threatening to break right now, and one of them is just my barrier of self reserve, that last thread between sanity and the insane need to laugh hysterically and blow my head off. There are no more words to show exactly how screwed up my life is. You know you are freaking useless when even the god damn kid rummaging through garbage seems more happy than you are right now.

Frustrated? If you didn't get the point by now, you have it all. Ignorance.

Wishes in the night...

There is a weight in her chest
That threatens to choke her
And she tries to stop those tears
That threaten to spill over.
There are so many many times she hopes
That the night will be so binding
But each morning she wakes up
Blinking against the sunlight blinding.
She goes through the hours weary
Of the night that is approaching
To embrace the darkness so calm
Before the fear within turns consuming.
There are so many dreams she sees
And lives through them smiling
For only in our dreams are we free
Before the daylight threatens, unending.

Sreedevi.

Viva La, just a little..

There is a lot of fun in visiting some place, especially when you don't have to worry about any of the things that make trips a nightmare. The tickets, the hotel, the sights, in general: the planning aspect. I hate planning for trips. It takes a lot of time and a whole load more of patience. I would rather have my nose stuck in a book or more likely, in a web page.

When you don't have to worry about those little gremlins, it is such a breeze, a wonderful experience. In fact, I am such a worry-master, I worry about every little thing, and if something is less than perfect, I go ballistic. It is impossible for me to enjoy a trip if I have to arrange it. What's more, I hate to worry about the expenses. I don't mind spending the dollar if it is worth it, but I fret that I may be spending unwisely, and I do tend to get prudish and picky and all uptight; translation: I spend extravagantly, given the opportunity, not worrying about the consequences. Which is a big, big, big problem, considering the fact that I am just a student and temporarily unemployed.

This trip to Seattle was a dream. One day of high-strung nerves and the other one and a half days of uninterrupted bliss. The cute hotel concierges didn't do any harm either. Say, what is the ladies' counterparts of "Bird-watching"? I've been rather curious. The one day of high strung nerves was the jet-lag of coast-to-coast travel and also another major factor that I won't quite mention here. Let's just get to the un-interrupted bliss right now. God knows it sounds much more intriguing.

Well the trip was paid for, the food was paid for, the luxury hotel was paid for. What more would one simple, single woman ask for? I can think of a couple of things, let's not go into details, shall we? I had a great Luxury suite to myself, all the food I could want to eat, and classy service. I had missed the feeling of having someone waiting on you for so long. Being a student in a grad school on your own money, can really make you a plebian. Would have been different if I had Mr.Lodge, Mr.Rich or Mr.Gates as a possible parent, but hey, a student can dream, right? That don't demand a down payment, unlike your surly land owner, but then again...

So I have this wonderful feather bed that I couldn't appreciate very well because of the nerves first and then because of the fact that my body was so used to using a sleeping bag as my bed that it kind of actually complained about too much comfort! Imagine that! And I thought I'd never see the day when luxury didn't click well with me. Then again, here I am, writing about it. Anyway, I digress. I loved the room and most of all I loved the services that came with the room and also the very fact that it was like a wonderful isolation that I had not had for a couple of years now. Just me, my solitude and my wonderful hi-tech gadgets. JOY!

I relaxed, completed the task I came here for and then relaxed again. Trust me, this was well deserved comfort. And did I use it well. I feel absolutely revitalized and rejuvenated and some happy heart-things happened, and there was some not so pleasant issues, but overall I give a "O" for Outstanding. I think I'm in love with luxury all over again. Oh, the pain! The separation of him from me. I think I shall cry. Of course I feel sorrow. I don't miss people this much!

The view was great, the temperature was perfect, a little too much sun for my tastes, but I think it is a part of Seattle's charm. It reminds me of this beautiful and harmonious union of technology, a fast and slow pace; a great ambience. I think I am taken with Seattle. And ironically I was sleepless for the duration of my stay here. Ha Ha.

I loved the rolling green lawns with children playing and old people relaxing and it seems so bloody cliche, but it reminded me of a sort of yawning hills and valley scene. Why do I sound like that Andrews woman, who couldn't shut up about the hills?

The whole thing was like a great care package, chicken soup for the soul, a big kiss on my aching mind. I think it's all better now. I find myself smiling like a right idiot. I think I figured out the reason that cute concierge is looking at me in a slightly alarmed manner. Who can blame him? I am in the lobby, hammering away at the keyboard, smiling weirdly and practically set up shop here. I think I want to come to this city. I think I have found the place I want to replace NY with. I think I finally fit somewhere. In a place that has something for my every mood without having me empty my wallet and over-drawing on my Visa, and where the people don't think smiling at a stranger (and having that smile returned) is something along the lines of "If you see something, say something." I love NY, I really do, but sometimes you would want to smile at someone and want that smile back, for no specific reason, or you would want to chat up a stranger and not have them threaten you with several thousand volts of electricity. Okay, maybe I exaggerated that a bit, but you get the idea. A place where you don't hear children spewing obscenities instead of nursery rhymes, a place where people talk politely and at the decibel required, a place where I can walk the streets or take a cab after dark and not worry about having anything untoward happen. I think I found a place where looking over your shoulder is something not necessary while you walk.

A place where rules are followed and people respect pedestrians, and offer help if you need it, and where I won't be scared to lift my eyes and look around, lest I invoke someone's wrath for being able to see. It is like a breath of fresh air before you return to the filthy docks, and you know that you will treasure it, and long for it, and want it to never end. But too soon it does. And you hope that you will have that chance, maybe for keeps.

It's a pity. I love the city of New York. It is my home, and I love it like my own. She took me in and gave me a place to stay, and have a little bit of her when I am there. Too bad that most people respect her so little, and it is always the people. The people who are only beautiful on the outside more often than on the inside.

Love? Hardly!

There are only so many things that render some things irreparably broken.Sorrow is one of them. There are so many many ways this one word can leave a person flailing and helpless, with no want of rescue. It is a double edged knife. Either it cuts down or moulds into steel, the former not necessarily a bad thing and the latter not necessarily a good outcome.

A broken heart is sometimes a good thing. The pain sharpens the reality of the situation and helps you really 'see' things, as they actually are. I know it sounds cold and heartless to say that, but it has taught many a young person the difference between reality and fantasy. It can show that the hottest girl in school has space to rent in that pretty head of hers, or prove that that quarterback everyone drools over is really as full of air as that foolball he kicks around. It also gives you a certain amount of sadistic pleasure when you put his head in place of the football.

Before you think that I'm writing this because this personally applies to me, have this image of me sneering and shaking my head.

That said, why do we even try? I suppose a dire need to "not be alone" qualifies as a half-witted reason to precariously balance that overly lost soul of ours on the line and hope no train comes that way. I think you should stop reading those trashy romance novels and start off philosophy.
At least a meagre intellect is better than an air-headed hopelessly romantic damsel not-so-in-distress. Please wait till I put my head between my knees to get rid of the nausea rising in my throat. Utterly pathetic.

I have no clue about what some people think, especially when they go all fluttery eyed and goffy grinned over some one they are eyeing. Does it not clearly show of uncontrolled minds? I have lost controll several times, but only in anger I assure you. I think that gives me immunity against
the hoardes of cupid crippled mortals around. I hope and pray that it is not air bourne. Or that my Hara Kiri sword is ready when I have the symptoms. Hey! I'm only human. I can be affected. Maybe.

Much to my chagrin, they downplay something as pure as love into an item. Something you can pick up from the nearest romance trash cinema /novel. They go around singing like insane canaries and smiling like they just bought out the top ten of the Fortune 500. Ghastly behaviour such as an inappropriate amount of cheerfulness and a little too much spring in their step, should be made offences punishable by law.

I'm sure you can as much deduce my feelings on the appropriate behaviour for those who claim to be in love with someone. I always believe that love is love, no matter what the source. Now can I smirk at my obvious superiority and control?