It has been a busy couple of weeks, what, with all the work that I have to do, the subjects I have to study, and the exams that I have to pass, all so that I can have a decent job to go by. It's not that I mind, it's just that I HATE having to do something as distasteful as having to resort to "help" from others to get the job. It just so seems like proof in stone that the extent of my intelligence is highly over-rated and it leads me along that line of thoughts that I am not worth that little piece of paper that commend my so called achievements in getting another degree. Mediocrity, however, is not shown by that generic format of the certificate, small mercy.
I have been in touch with more people in the last fortnight, than I have in the last few months, yet I have never felt so alone as I have right now. No, No, it's not that romantic crap, thank Jebus. I just mean in general. People are moving on, getting gainful employment, getting married, starting a new life, and yet, it feels strangely as if I am stuck in a moment and I can't get out of it.
It's not I am brooding and stalking around like a giant bat or vampire, snapping at everyone or some such. I'm not doing the classic Snape, but it doesn't change the hollow feeling I have, as if I am missing something. I would have shrugged it off as a "I want my chocolate" phase of life except that it's been there far too long than healthy, I imagine. I don't know how many more are experiencing the same turn of events, but I'm sure I'm not the only one rocking this boat.
What do you do when you start feeling this way? Incomplete, Incompetent, and so many other words I can spell with an 'I'?
Perhaps it will go away? Or maybe we'll become numb to it. How do you complete yourself? Oh and before you say "find your better half," I'll say go stuff it. It's not THAT kind of incompleteness, so there.
Right now, I probably look like a giant bat in a corner. But hey, all the better, people may leave me to my thoughts.
It's been a very long time since I felt any semblance of normalcy. So long, that I may as well have forgotten how to feel that way again. Then again, normalcy is probably overrated. Every day is a haze, just a routine to-do list. There is no feeling, not even when I a learning something new, which is always the best way to get me all high and happy. For all the love I profess for learning, this is probably wierd. Learning, being surrounded by books, and just stocking the mental pantry is just my thing. I thoroughly enjoy being geeky. Yes, completely batty, I assure you. Yet, it is what defines me. Rarely do you find me not exercising the mental muscle (Don't even go to the part of the physical exercise). Surrounded by walls of books, always thinking of new ways of doing things, and all that jazz.
Don't get me wrong. I am far from brilliant, I just love to learn, and my ability to learn is inversely proportional to my ability to retain things, and it's not the learning that is the thin end of the wand, certainly. If I could retain all that I learned, you have no idea what the outcome of that would be. There are so many things I wish to be better, my memory is on the top of the list, but there may be a bright side to forgetfulness. There are so many things that I would gladly forget and probably have, and that is a good thing.
Just the same, I am in the state of mind when every song of longing, separation, and happy endings leaves me in a fit of self loathing. Oh how I wish, I was one of them, all those people who look so happy, all of them who are in such wonderful places of employment, and have so much more than me. I just want so much more than this. And it's not that I am unwilling to work, mind you. I probably will do what needs to be done with a passion rivaled by none other, if and only if I am motivated to do it. Therein lies the problem, the motivation is just not there, there is no spark, no urge, no desire, no passion, no drive. There is nothing.
I probably shall run mad if this continues. I have dallied in the arts, the sciences of the mind, philosophy, history, music, literature, sports, and have found that once I know I can do whatever I please, the need to dally in them goes away. I want a lot, I have need for little. How do I build this? The things that deal with a lot of thought such as philosophy, and psychology are those that excite me most. In fact, I love messing with people's minds. I know, sadistic, but that's me. I love to pick brains, I love to watch people squirm when I try to figure them out and, more often than not, succeed.
Merlin, there are a lot of "I's" in this, aren't there? But what do you expect when my thoughts are being relayed to you by me? Smirk.
Mornings, noons, nights, time is of consequence and yet it is not. Twisted, but true.
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