Like the title suggest, I simply dislike goodbyes. They make me feel awkward, and it fills me with some sense of dread, the question, "Will I see them again?" rolls around for that instant, making me a little hesitant in turning around and walking away.
It is when the goodbye is more permanent that I become what I never am usually. A little lost. How do we tell someone Goodbye for the last time? It is a little more complicated than, "Well, till next time, seeya then.. Take care..."
Death is so Final, that there is little you can do when it comes knocking. No arguments, when it is time. Walk away. No teary goodbyes, no last minute declarations of love, nothing. Just Go.
Having faced so many such finalities, each time I make my heart a little more strong, the tears a little lesser, and the resolve a little tougher. Prepare: that's the only thing I can do. My eyes sting lesser and the understanding sinks in. We cry when we are not ready to let go, and when the understanding sinks in, we stop. I treat each goodbye as if I would never see them again. Sometimes I am right. Leaves me guileless the next time I think of the Dear Departed.
Yet, there are somethings that cannot be avoided. Manage your emotions however well, but one look at another broken heart's voice and it takes every ounce and more of all the available courage not to crumble and let it all go, strength be damned. I daresay I have become an expert at reigning over my own choked sobs, but it takes a very bruised pair of palms and cut lips to hold someone and watch such wrenching raw emotion wash over them, and you, and be the only dry-eyed one. Whispering words of comfort and promising them that everything will be alright, even if means lying through your teeth. It leaves me feeling wretched, it leaves me feeling drained. But someone has to seem heartless enough not to cry for their own Father's passing.
Such things leave people in a state where they cannot decide whether this new information is to be dealt with, how? Denial is easy, but never the right option. Always the hard way, it has to be.
There are so many little things that death of a dear one makes you think about. How quickly the "is" becomes a "was", how you will never see them smile again, how you will never get those few and far between hugs, how your family will never be whole again.
It leaves your thought in such a flurry, that momentarily you are disoriented. And when the thought get into order, you'll wish for the blissful oblivion of disorientation, knowing fully well that when you calm down, you have to fill in the shoes at the Family Head. It is far easier to forget and pretend it never happened.
The worst is when you don't know what your reaction should be. I was never one for open emotion, and I don't intend to make personal grief into a bawling marathon, blaming "release" for undignified behavior. As the British say, "Keep a stiff upper lip, at all times."
What happens when you don't have any personal grief left? Imagine someone who takes the news as "It had to happen sometime..." People misunderstand the facade to be real.
A bit of advice though. Never go to bed angry with someone, unless you can handle it. Tell someone you love them, no matter how much of your pride you have to swallow, to speak that simple emotion. Always leave someone with a kind word or a smile. There may not be another chance to do that. And not everyone can be so hard that it will not cause guilt.
So the next time you are saying Goodbye, leave no room for regrets.
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